Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

🤣

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.