Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
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“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.