Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

This is true.

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

Simple enough.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.