Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
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Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something