Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

I’m awake but I object,

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching