Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
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I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Tastes like chicken.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
LOL
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.