Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
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[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Meth is short for Elizameth.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.