Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
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Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
waiting for halloween be like:
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)