Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
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Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.