Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
