Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
This is my brand.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
