Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
