Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

Received some very disappointing news today

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert