Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!