[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Hear me out: WrestleVania
Them: Can you explain this gap in your resume?
Me: that was just a pause for dramatic effect.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
