[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*
Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…
Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is
My therapist after every session
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
