Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
You Might Also Like
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Spring of Deception