weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
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You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.