[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
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you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I think this cat is broken
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe