Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

they should invent a rest for the wicked

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.