Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.