Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.