[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
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I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
why am I working on Labor Day
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Meme Monday.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?