[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
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The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
nature’s most graceful animal
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
Guantanamo Bae
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Sure. Why not?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist