[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
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“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day