Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

No, he would not have.

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.