I know a certain right hand that is going to be getting VERY lucky tonight…
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
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*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
THEM: where are you from
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
[shows them my phone background]
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.