Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.