Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
You Might Also Like
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
yeet
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.