Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

Sharon I have some bad news

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

Did a trash talking tree write this?

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.