@flashember

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

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@TheToddWilliams

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

@TheAlexNevil

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

@MischievousJam

Today seems like the perfect day to make important life altering decisions!

– Me, when I’ve gone two days without sleep

@VikeeysSecret

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

@Havish_AF

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

@jjlob7

I don’t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands. :/

@texasstalkermom

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

@six_2_and_even

My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there

@xLiserx

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*