Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

*launders Kohls cash*

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute