Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

*feels the wind in my toe hair

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you