Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face