Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.