Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week

“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”

“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”

“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?