@wx388

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

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@ThisOneSayz

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

@WeeMissBea

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

@UnFitz

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

@LlamaInaTux

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

@bourgeoisalien

Fun prank: tell your kid World War II ended by the Americans dropping an F-bomb on Japan. Then later when his teacher calls, act shocked.

@man_spach

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

@PhilJamesson

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

@ShootyDoody

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

@TweetingDadGuy

Please women who wear 1 inch heels.

What’s the point? You look ridiculous.

What difference does 1 inch really make?

Don’t answer that.