No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
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My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
– snails, probably
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Vodka is just potatoes that made the right career choices.
Fun prank: tell your kid World War II ended by the Americans dropping an F-bomb on Japan. Then later when his teacher calls, act shocked.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Please women who wear 1 inch heels.
What’s the point? You look ridiculous.
What difference does 1 inch really make?
Don’t answer that.