Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
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[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
#CoronaOutbreak
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.