Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”