Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

I’m just playing devils avocado here

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

Become a minion. Get that bread.

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings