Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
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My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I just stopped by to water my horse.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.