Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
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*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
No one:
London landlords:
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Dance like you’re not the father
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player