doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
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Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
was Jim off killing horses or…
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
He wanted to make sure😂
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.