doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
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Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Happy Friday
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.