Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
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“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
scared to check what name she chose
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”