Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT