Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
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[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
describing stardew valley
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love