Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
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WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
A fake ID that makes you younger
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