Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

Broom by every window for quick escape.

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

When you don’t understand how floors work

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

*checks Timeline*…

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.