Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
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[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.