Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
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Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Vodka burrito was a success
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
some things should go without saying
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
#damn
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”