Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?