Doctors texting each other.
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Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
this is a sign that you need a union
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.