Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”