Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
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Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.