@MUMSIEesq

[DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM]
CUTE GUY: hi
ME: how many disease boxes did you check?

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@Mindless4Miles

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

@MamaFizzles

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

@emmatheist

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

@thecrabbyhook

Brother: Do you want to come over to see the new baby?

Me: Does it have wifi?

@maebemarbles

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

@shariv67

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

@jordan_stratton

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison