Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM]
CUTE GUY: hi
ME: how many disease boxes did you check?
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date: I don’t drink
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Cat knocks over coffee
Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Me: I woke up
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)