Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM]
CUTE GUY: hi
ME: how many disease boxes did you check?
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You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Brother: Do you want to come over to see the new baby?
Me: Does it have wifi?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison