I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
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Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over