@MUMSIEesq

[DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM]
CUTE GUY: hi
ME: how many disease boxes did you check?

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@buck4itt

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

@mrjohndarby

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

@newLettuce

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

@Discourt

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

@JimmerThatisAll

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

@sarabellab123

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

@Spiritsoko

Cat knocks over coffee

Me….
Cat….
Me…
Cat….
Me: well?
Cat….
Me….
Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing.
Jumps down

@Darlainky

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

@T_Bonezzz_

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

@Michael1979

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)