Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

are they though??

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?