doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
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Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
🤣🤣🤣
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I’m being attacked 😭
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.