doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
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The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Waiting for the Charmin
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
scenes of unspeakable carnage