doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
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Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
is it earth
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
🥲
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”