Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.