Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.