Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark