Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
what the hell pray for carter everyone
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.