Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

The news is so predictable nowadays

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

#milo

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.