Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
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you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal