Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
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Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.