doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
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It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Best spot.. 😅
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.